IELTSライティング Task 2: バンド8 エッセイサンプル — 教育
エッセイ問題
"The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
提出されたエッセイ
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These days it is firmly believed that the most efficient method to teach children in schools how to work together is through team sports. This essay disagrees with the statement since some young students might not enjoy playing sports and because team sports can raise competitiveness amongst children, hence having a negative impact on their friendly relationships.
First of all, although it is vital for a children to play sports and keep fit, not everyone is keen on football, rugby and volleyball. Instead, some young students prefer spending their leisure time on other activities such as joining a chorus group or teathre lessons. These activities can encourage cooperation and make children get along with each other, as well. On the other hand, forcing children to play something they doesn't feel comfortable in can make them withdraw from the team game, which would make them feel excluded.
In addition, teams sports do not always promote cooperation among players. In some cases, inequities or particularly ambitious behaviours can lead to violent competitiveness, instead. It is generally thought that sport is an extremely selective environment, in fact you need to exercise daily in order to keep fit. If obese children took part in those team sports as well, they could feel isolated because they do not own the perfect body to perform well.
In conclusion, although team sports are a great method to teach children how to get along with each other, there are various activities which can encourage cooperation among children, as well. Therefore, it is considerably significant for a school to embrace diversity and make children play with what they really like, instead of forcing them to do something they feel they don't belong.
Nomad English 評価
タスク達成度
8
一貫性と結束性
8
語彙力
7.5
文法の幅と正確性
7.5
試験官フィードバック
この文章は、主張に反対する立場を明確に示した、構成の整ったエッセイです。論点は論理的で、関連する例で裏付けられています。しかし、文法的な誤り（主語と動詞の一致、冠詞の使用）や時折見られるぎこちない表現が、より高いバンドスコアの達成を妨げています。つなぎ言葉が適切に使用され一貫性は高いですが、いくつかの文はより正確に表現できる余地があります。
バンド9 モデル回答
同じ問題に対するバンド9の模範回答：
It is widely believed that team sports represent the most effective approach to teaching children cooperation in schools. However, this essay contends that this view is flawed, as not all students are naturally inclined towards sports, and competitive dynamics can potentially undermine positive peer relationships.
Firstly, while physical activity is undoubtedly beneficial for children's health and development, it would be erroneous to assume that all students share an enthusiasm for sports such as football, rugby, or volleyball. Many young people demonstrate a preference for alternative group activities, including choir participation or drama classes. These pursuits can foster collaboration and interpersonal skills equally effectively. Conversely, compelling children to engage in activities that do not align with their interests may lead to disengagement and feelings of social exclusion.
Furthermore, team sports do not invariably cultivate cooperative behaviours among participants. In certain circumstances, perceived inequalities or excessively competitive mindsets can engender hostility rather than camaraderie. Sport, by its nature, can be a highly selective domain that favours those with natural athletic ability. Consequently, children who do not conform to athletic ideals may experience marginalisation and diminished self-esteem, which directly contradicts the cooperative values these activities purportedly promote.
In conclusion, while team sports can indeed facilitate cooperation among children, they are by no means the optimal approach for every student. Schools should therefore embrace a diverse range of collaborative activities, enabling children to develop teamwork skills through pursuits that genuinely resonate with their individual interests and abilities.
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