IELTS Writing Task 2: Band 8 Essay Sample on Education
Essay Question
"The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
Original Submission
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These days it is firmly believed that the most efficient method to teach children in schools how to work together is through team sports. This essay disagrees with the statement since some young students might not enjoy playing sports and because team sports can raise competitiveness amongst children, hence having a negative impact on their friendly relationships.
First of all, although it is vital for a children to play sports and keep fit, not everyone is keen on football, rugby and volleyball. Instead, some young students prefer spending their leisure time on other activities such as joining a chorus group or teathre lessons. These activities can encourage cooperation and make children get along with each other, as well. On the other hand, forcing children to play something they doesn't feel comfortable in can make them withdraw from the team game, which would make them feel excluded.
In addition, teams sports do not always promote cooperation among players. In some cases, inequities or particularly ambitious behaviours can lead to violent competitiveness, instead. It is generally thought that sport is an extremely selective environment, in fact you need to exercise daily in order to keep fit. If obese children took part in those team sports as well, they could feel isolated because they do not own the perfect body to perform well.
In conclusion, although team sports are a great method to teach children how to get along with each other, there are various activities which can encourage cooperation among children, as well. Therefore, it is considerably significant for a school to embrace diversity and make children play with what they really like, instead of forcing them to do something they feel they don't belong.
Nomad English Assessment
Task Response
8
Coherence & Cohesion
8
Lexical Resource
7.5
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
7.5
Examiner Feedback
This is a well-structured essay that presents a clear position against the statement. The arguments are logical and supported with relevant examples. However, there are some grammatical errors (subject-verb agreement, article usage) and occasional awkward phrasing that prevent it from achieving a higher band score. The coherence is strong with good use of linking devices, but some sentences could be more precisely worded.
Band 9 Model Rewrite
Here's how a Band 9 response to the same question would look:
It is widely believed that team sports represent the most effective approach to teaching children cooperation in schools. However, this essay contends that this view is flawed, as not all students are naturally inclined towards sports, and competitive dynamics can potentially undermine positive peer relationships.
Firstly, while physical activity is undoubtedly beneficial for children's health and development, it would be erroneous to assume that all students share an enthusiasm for sports such as football, rugby, or volleyball. Many young people demonstrate a preference for alternative group activities, including choir participation or drama classes. These pursuits can foster collaboration and interpersonal skills equally effectively. Conversely, compelling children to engage in activities that do not align with their interests may lead to disengagement and feelings of social exclusion.
Furthermore, team sports do not invariably cultivate cooperative behaviours among participants. In certain circumstances, perceived inequalities or excessively competitive mindsets can engender hostility rather than camaraderie. Sport, by its nature, can be a highly selective domain that favours those with natural athletic ability. Consequently, children who do not conform to athletic ideals may experience marginalisation and diminished self-esteem, which directly contradicts the cooperative values these activities purportedly promote.
In conclusion, while team sports can indeed facilitate cooperation among children, they are by no means the optimal approach for every student. Schools should therefore embrace a diverse range of collaborative activities, enabling children to develop teamwork skills through pursuits that genuinely resonate with their individual interests and abilities.
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